I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”