I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I unironically love this joke.