My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
What the hell happened here.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me too, bag. Me too….
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil