The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
best first i’ve ever seen
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me My dog
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂