People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.