Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you