Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
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Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
#catsoftwitter
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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