My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed