me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Respect
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t