You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
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My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
this is me
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.