On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom