I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”