When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
(Jupiter –
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy