[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Received some very disappointing news today
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.