Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.