I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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i’m sure it’s fine
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.