*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?