My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.