Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.