[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Stop.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order