It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
LOOOOOOL
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.