I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these