“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
January has been Januweary
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”