waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.