When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Anyone want a chair?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”