I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Sign of the day..
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Yup!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.