Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
ibopfufen
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*