I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.