Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
…u ok Nintendo?