imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”