Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
They’re really bad with fonts.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes