4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Breakfast for Stoners:
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup