My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.