I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot