My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My sex drive has a dui
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.