“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing