Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
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Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me