If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.