Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Love this one 😂🧟