Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“That’s what” – She
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.