Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.