Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
You Might Also Like
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Reporter: *ports again*
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok