The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
me and my fake scenarios
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot