[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
You Might Also Like
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”