He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
In Canada they just call them geese
Finally, an explanation.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.