Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.