I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
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COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.