I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
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I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.