The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.