King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
You Might Also Like
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.